One of the comments that I receive about my writing is that I am not afraid to expose the inner workings of my mind. To a point, that is true. I’ve also been raised to not “air my dirty laundry”… Truth be told, that’s why things have been fairly quiet over here at OBIF. It’s hard to write when you want to keep things from spilling out.
I’ve been unhappy here in Texas for a long time, and for several reasons. Mostly, I have been lonely. I’ve not mentioned this a lot because who wants to read that sad dribble? What most people don’t know is that I moved here to be near my brothers. We had big dreams at one point, but one by one, those dreams fell by the wayside. The first one to go was making a living out of Texas Country music. The last dream to fall was one that shook things up the most; the exodus of my co-pilot. All the grand dreams (and schemes) slowly slipped through my fingers till I was left with nothing to hold on to. Somewhere along the way, I was blind-sided by this interesting bit of trivia. I was about to hit my seven-year anniversary with this temperamental chunk of earth.
Why is seven years a milestone? Good question. Seven years is the most amount of time that I have spent in one place; the place I call home. The rest of my thirty years on this earth have been broken up into much smaller chunks. Six months here, a year or two there, etc… I was about to surpass that mark, in Texas. This upset me and my inner gypsy greatly. I started evaluating my time here, then re-evaluating, and finally evaluating again. I knew I needed to leave. Texas is a state unique in this union, but it is not where I want my roots to take hold. It was time to cut my losses, take what I had learned, and get gypsy wild again.
After evaluating yet another time, I determined it would not be hard to do. Most of my material possessions were left behind with the life I was no longer apart of, then I sold off a good chunk of what remained. I had but few friends in this town, and one was also a member of the gypsy tribe. Leaving would be easy, so I moved into an “extended stay” hotel, and began searching for a ticket out. When the hotel option was no longer the smart option, I searched Craigslist for a roommate scenario I could live with.
I found one ad, and sent out one reply to that ad. Her name was Paige*, she had two dogs and a nice house in a quiet neighborhood close to work. Meeting her, I was not immediately attracted to her, which was a good sign. I had become quite attracted to crazy, and did not want to live with said crazies. That’s not to say Paige* wasn’t attractive, she is very beautiful. However her internal structure wasn’t a bi-polar alignment that would cause my ferromagnetic heart to attach itself immediately.
Then something happened. I began to see things in her I didn’t think existed anymore. Signs of life I presumed I was the only host for. I was falling for Paige* and didn’t know what to do. Logically, I tried to ignore it. Failing at that, I fought it harder and harder. I fought even as my ticket out of the state came through in the form of a job offer. That was my mistake.
Paige* is: breathtakingly smart, sexy in that softball player way I have always loved, southern as a tent revival, and my soul smiles in her presence. Her eyes dance and shine with brilliance when she smiles, and when she smiles I have the distinct feeling that making her smile is my purpose in life. I would not have found her without leaving; yet suddenly leaving has morphed into a very hard thing to do. Texas withheld this absolute gem from me and only revealed it the midnight hour, as if to prove how truly vindictive she can be.
How this treasure is still single is beyond me, but I assure you she won’t be for long. One would have to be blind to look into her eyes and not see their future as I do. Songs are written for women of her caliber. She is the rarest of beauties that for centuries have driven mankind to achieve the impossible. Yet, here I am; leaving. Leaving and knowing in the darkest haunts of my soul that I am walking away from everything I have dreamed of. My neurons are firing away at lightning speeds in an attempt to find the solution to this, with no avail.
In the end, the brain will win out. I have given my word and people are depending on me to show up and do my job. The best I can do is to put my faith in my Creator. It saddens me, but I can’t let that sadness take control. There will be plenty of time for that in a new city with no friends. I have to ignore the hurt while I am here with her, I cannot allow the sadness cripple my last moments with her. She doesn’t see my sadness and believes it to be some sign that my proclamations are disingenuous. She doesn’t see the proverbial little Dutch boy, fighting back the sea with just a finger. I will deal with my life choices by whipping the new water of southeast Michigan; my therapist will enjoy the new office. For now, I have this week. I will make the most out of this week, then I will be gypsy wild again.
Roll with the river, go with the flow
That’s the way I was taught, all I was supposed to know
Then the hard rain came and the muddy water flowed
Over the banks Lord I was out of control
Runnin’ gypsy wild, runnin’ free
Gypsy wild aint no stoppin’ me
Gypsy wild, I’m a rebel child
Carryin’ on and on and on, I keep carrying on -Bleu Edmondson
In the meantime, Jason Tucker is prepping for my arrival and the chatter on Twitter about fishing is promising.
To lighten the mood, here is a video from our visit to the Austin Zoo. You can hear Paige* laughing in the background as we stumbled across some “private time”.
*Paige is not her real name. It is however, close enough that she will know it is about her, should she ever see this.